He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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