We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
