youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
