6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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