you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
