K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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