need another drink. this is the easiest way
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
