I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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