i don't like sucking hair
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
