I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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