So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
