matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
