You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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