So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
