I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
