we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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