Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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