My hand turned me down
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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