I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
