Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
