Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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