she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
BRING THE BAGELS
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
