So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
