There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
