Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
