I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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