There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
