i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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