So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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