So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
