i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
