I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
