I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
