You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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