It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
