I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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