how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
