I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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