Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
