3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
A+ Viking dick
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
