Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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