Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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