I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
