I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i out mim tonsoeep
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
