Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
