walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
