I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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