census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
