I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
