i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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