then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
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I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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