No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
