i think i have herpe
just one?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
