Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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