By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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