Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
