I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
